TRYING TO MAKE BREAD!

(wood smacking)
– Hold on, uh, I gotta do dishes.
I got standards.
They’re not high, but they’re there.
Boy, my body don’t feel like it used to.
I ain’t got a young
man’s body no more, okay,
as I can tell by how I feel currently.
You can only fall so many
times before it’s the big one.
The main question I get
in the form of a statement
is “Brandon, make bread.” (sighs)
All right (laughs), so I went to Walmart
and bought all the essential
bread-making materials,
Prairie-Doggin’ flour, Fleischenheimen,
raw and unfiltered, why is my cap loose?
Is this from one of those pranks
where people are licking my product?
How would I know?
Oh, I overreact on this channel (squeaks).
YouTube, uh, yeast?
– [Woman] First thing we
do is take some hot water.
Hot bathwater, somewhere–
– Hot bathwater, does it
need to come from the bath?
I don’t know who this is.
– [Woman] I’ll try another
phone number, okay?
– All right.
– Same company.
– Sounds good.
– Thank you.
– Thank you.
– All right, okay, bye bye.
– Okay.
– All right, bye bye.
– Yeah-hmm, bye.
(dial tone beeps)
I’m even awkward getting off
the phone with telemarketers.
No, okay, bye, no, don’t go.
I gotta go, don’t (laughs), don’t go!
1 1/2 cups of bathing water.
I’m not getting this from the shower.
(water gurgling)
Gotta be kidding me.
1 1/2 cups of bathwater.
– [Woman] 108 degrees.
– Did you say 108 degrees?
What a very specific number for bathwater.
Lucky for me, I do have a
thermostater, thermistize.
– [Woman] The yeast
actually feeds on this,
so make sure you don’t put a lot,
especially if you’re making savory bread.
– Morning.
– Sprinkling it
across the top.
– Just sprinkle it
across the top, on top
of the counter, too?
‘Cause I’m doing it, done, make bread.
What am I gonna do for five minutes?
(speaking in foreign language)
(slurps) The big reveal.
Ah, I did something wrong.
– [Woman] Yeast doesn’t
look puffy like this,
you wanna just pop this
out and redo it, make.
– What, you expect me to dump this out?
I’m not getting more bathwater.
Oh, this is gonna take forever.
(water gurgles)
Heat.
Maybe my bathwater wasn’t warm enough.
Water’s not warm enough, yeah.
Gotta do it quick, honey, yes, dear.
Yeast, I’m gonna put a little more,
’cause she don’t know
what she’s talking about.
Now we wait for five minutes.
♪ Time for yeast and
watch it start diving ♪
♪ How many make a cloud ♪
(squeaks) Moment of truth, aha!
Why, oh (whines), what is
wrong with you? (laughs)
Okay (laughs), maybe if I
just use water from the sink.
She said use bathwater, so I guess
I’m gonna just keep doing that.
Maybe I should just leave
the bathtub running.
I’ll be back.
There’s really no point
in measuring at this point
because I tried that
approach, didn’t work.
Maybe I’m putting too much honey
and the yeast is getting full.
We still want it to want more, okay?
Hold on, let me just do this.
Oh, I think that’s
gonna work, I really do.
No matter how this turns out,
we’re gonna roll with this
one, unless it’s real bad.
To all the haters who say it’s fake.
(dramatic electronic music)
Look.
♪ You only got one yeast, one chance ♪
♪ One opportunity, or three ♪
♪ It doesn’t matter ♪
♪ Just seize anything you’ve ever wanted ♪
♪ Which just so happens to
be bread in this situation ♪
♪ Would you take it or would
you just let it slip away ♪
♪ Yo, his yeast is ready ♪
♪ His palm’s sweaty, too,
’cause he’s also sweaty ♪
♪ Maybe that’s why his
yeast isn’t rising already ♪
♪ He tried one, two, three times already ♪
♪ Got bathwater from the sink, wait ♪
♪ He keeps on forgetting his lyrics ♪
♪ That he didn’t write down ’cause he ♪
♪ Didn’t write them down
because this is right ♪
♪ Straight off the top of his head ♪
♪ Man, he’s good (laughs) ♪
♪ This may be the only
opportunity that I got ♪
♪ You, you better get that yeast going ♪
♪ Better make that dough,
better get that bread ♪
♪ Going in the oven, yo ♪
♪ Or you won’t get the bread ♪
♪ You gonna get real hungry ♪
♪ Man, I’ve already tried three times ♪
♪ This bread ain’t working ♪
♪ You just gonna quit ♪
♪ I might, I might stop
making this bread ♪
♪ If this yeast don’t rise ♪
♪ I don’t know why it’s not rising up ♪
♪ Why it’s not making the greasy top ♪
♪ I don’t know what I’m
supposed to be doing or not ♪
♪ I gave it the honey, man ♪
♪ I got the bathwater right ♪
♪ 108 degrees, exactly
what she said, right ♪
♪ But now the yeast ain’t trying to rise ♪
♪ And now my bread ain’t gonna work ♪
♪ Now it’s gonna die ♪
♪ It’s been three times,
I don’t know how ♪
♪ I’m gonna survive but
it’s been 12 minutes ♪
♪ Maybe I should check if it’s alive ♪
I don’t enjoy ad revenue anyway, tadah!
Aw, okay (laughs), fourth time.
I can do this, okay, I can make bread.
They don’t call me Brandon
The Breadmaker Farris,
literally, like no one calls me that.
Okay, stupid joke, let’s go.
(water plashing)
Scalding hot water,
you got it.
♪ Mom’s spaghetti, he
keeps on forgetting ♪
♪ What his mom wrote down, and it was ♪
♪ Hey, son, don’t forget your spaghetti ♪
♪ Is the noodles ♪
1 1/2 cup, little bit of yeast here.
It hates to be on the
edge, the edges are what,
are what not, hey, more
sentences, I can, shut up!
(sighs) Please yeast, meow.
I don’t know any other
musical numbers I can do.
Might as well go big,
I don’t have ad revenue
on this video anyway.
♪ And I’ll fly ♪
♪ With (squeaks) you, I, I would live ♪
What about that yeast, oh? (laughs)
The big reveal, jeer dezus, okay.
So we’re not gonna make bread (laughs).
Why are you (coughs),
(laughs) bread’s hard.
One cup, and she didn’t give
me an amount for this honey,
which I would solely like to blame
all of my mistakes on that.
Yeast, oh, I’m nervous, that looks good.
This is it, this is the one.
I’m done doing musical improv.
We’re gonna set a timer.
I’m gonna watch so I can
see what the problem is.
What am I looking at?
It looks like a yeast infection (laughs).
(sobs) There’s a lot of
it falling to the bottom.
Well, now it’s coming back
up from the bottom, what?
That’s what yeast does?
Maybe if I talk positively to it.
You’re gonna do great.
Oh, I’m excited, this is the one.
He awkwardly paces his kitchen (whines).
I can barely contain my excitement.
Okay, consider it barely contained.
I’m amazed (groans), why! (laughs)
Less water, one, one more time, okay?
I’m gonna do it one more time.
(water plashing)
(groans) Aw, you’re kidding me! (laughs)
(tinkling piano music)
Has just become musical
theater at this point.
♪ I just took a DNA test ♪
♪ Turns out I’m a 100% that bread ♪
Please, heavenly Jesus.
I just like to watch the yeast
rise back up from the bottom.
At least something’s
being uplifted (titters).
(sobs) Oh, God, I just wanna make bread.
What is the problem here?
Best if used by April 8th, 2020.
Sorry, flour, it’s not
looking good for us (laughs).
It’s fine, nah, I didn’t wanna make bread.
I’m not even hungry (sighs).
I could just buy bread if I want. (sighs)
One more time, okay, just one more time.
(water plashing)
Hmm.
Oh, it’s been way more than five minutes.
Oh, God, we’re late and, no!
Worst one I’ve done so far (laughs).
Ugh, I’ve tried everything, okay,
except for the right things to do.
Tune in next week where I also
try to make (laughs) bread.