I Tried Making Bread and Created An Abomination

during my streams we like to watch a lotof very shitty cooking from youtuberslike the cooking that kind of makes youwant to puke in question how they evensurvived this long where they’re mixingyou know glue and battery acid togetherin a casserole and by doing this hadbeen recommended real recipes fromactual chefs on YouTube and one of themwas a Tang song milk bread recipe ASMR Iguess I don’t really know if it was ASMRbut it was definitely giving me tinglesand I decided you know what I want togive this a shot I don’t like cookingbut I said fuck it I’m gonna hop in thekitchen and get ready to rumble I’mgonna channel the Zen master within mebuckle down and be patient and create anaffine exquisite cuisine and I’d like toshow you how this adventure went tostart things off the recipe called forbread flour which my area is totally outof so I had to freestyle here andsubstitute with all-purpose flour masterchef right here after dropping my holyinstrument of baking I learned a veryharsh first lesson and that is to useproper grip technique with your tools inthe kitchenit’s like Chef Ramsay says you have tolearn to crawl before you can run as mygirlfriend pointed out a leveler issomething that ordinary chefs would useperhaps even amateurs but I feel asthough my shaking technique is second tonone it’s something I trained for a lotevery time you take a piss you have toshake the penis a little bit to get theextra driblets off so it’s somethingI’ve been practicing for nearly myentire life to begin with the recipefirst calls for four tablespoons worthof bread flour now again like I statedI’m using all-purpose flour so thispresented me with the challenge I wasgoing to have to crunch some numbers inmy head using advanced algorithms and ofcourse applying the law of equivalentexchange as we’ve learned from FullMetal Alchemist and exactly figure outcalculate how much those tablespoonswould translate from bread flour intoall-purpose flour and I came to theconclusion that I need a little bit morethan four tablespoons of all-purposeflour to fill the recipes requirementsthat’s just how it did in the video sothis step is here this sticky mixture Ithink I put too much water it didn’tlook like this in the video yeah youhave it up too high oh my god what’sgonna happen what’s it gonna plug blowup and start burning it was not sizzlingin their video they had like Facebookfor your royalty music and I didn’t hearany sizzling it’s just the sound thingson milk bread mix they say things I readis the only bread you can hear screamwhile you’re making it put in a bowlwhat did you put in a cup there are somany bowls I see like a shawl therebehind this why is there a shit stainbecause pasta sauce stuff that’s inplastic use a different one prettysatisfied here I may have hooked on abit too high of a heat unfortunatelyit’s like peeling off a scab but itshould be fine okay now this is wherethe fun really kicks off goes into thefridge for six hourscooking is like a real-life battleroyale game but ten times is boring it’slike six hours of doing nothing for fiveseconds of fun it’s just fuckingmiserable so after waiting eight hoursbecause I forgot that I had put thispiece of shit in the fridge in the firstplace I brought it out and was ready tobegin step number two teaspoons holyshit no no no no Charlie not with saltyou don’t fuck with salt this next stepcalled for thousands of differentingredients all working together inperfect symbiotic relationships here Inearly tapped into the entire spice rackhere of salt yeast and sugar also a lotof flour was needed here as well so Iwas going full mad-scientist here in mynice little cauldron or cooked beforemm-hmmknowledge I go by instinct no no whatare you doing Charlie no no it’s toomuch joy it’s way too much dry milk youjust put three teaspoons of dry milk I’mgonna get food poisoning what are yougonna get food poisoning from excessivedry milkwell they eventually all come togetheranyway yeah it should be fine I willmake it work if there’s one thing thatI’m known for in the kitchen it’sfreestyling to me disaster is just astate of mindthis was my first kitchen catastrophehere this was the assassination of FranzFerdinand and putting into motion a waron flavor in my kitchen so what happenedis I was supposed to make two separatedishes here one where I mixed these rawingredients together and then one whereI mixed them together with the stickymixture but what I did is I put them alltogether at once instead of doing twoseparate and well as you can imagine theTang song milk bread recipe was not toopleased with that these fucking eggs sixhours worth of high octane cookingaction expert technique per usual asyou’d expect from the Masters you know Ido have a thread arm on my why would redneed arms we don’t need technology Tianaif it runs on electricity I don’t wantto see it it’s like mixing rocks toKitchenAid has nothing on goodold-fashioned American Muscle I’m reallyblending together all the flavors yeah Imight just do that stuff but you mightdrop in my chemical X like professorutonium here and create the PowerpuffGirlsI resorted to caveman measures where Iwas just kind of beating it like itowned me lunch money I thought thiswould really help kind of teach it whothe boss was as well as make it a littlebit more pliable and I was absolutelyright my hypothesis was right on themoney because this this workedbeautifully once all that’s fully mixedyeah about the petition KitchenAid outof business yeah hard to know for sureto be honest like hydraulic press it whydon’t you pull it apart confuse it wayit can adapt okay 40 minutes an hour doI need to do that yes yes you do whatcuz if it doesn’t rise it’s not gonnaproperly so why does it need to rise cuzbread has to rise I finally masteredthis technique would it be like when Igo to jail if I just started making itnow cuz to me I think letting it rise isjust an unnecessary stuff propagandaeven I’m pretty confident in this and Ireally don’t want to wait another twohours if you don’t give it time thebread will not have the fluffiness youwant after letting it rise you mold thedough once more before letting it riseagain the baking kills the yeast offwithout letting the bread rise you’llkill the yeast long before you can makeyour bread fluffy and tasty so it’s onlyfor fluff and tastes like how importantis taste when it comes to cooking thoughthat’s the only reason you do it I thinkI could get away with justlike this has anyone ever tried do youthink can I bake bread immediately aftermaking doughyes no most certainly not there are tworeasons for this uh I’m just gonna popit into the oven so now what sciencetells me will happen is I’ll pop this inthe microwave it’ll obviously break downthe clue to the gluten and chemicalbonds and actually I think that workedokay well I’m pretty happy with how thisis looking okay so let’s do something atwhat point does steel start to melt canwe just put it there to speed it up ohshe’s looking burntwell first impressions not great itlooks less like bread and more likemashed potatoes didn’t come out lookingquite like the video I mean may also usenutritional yeast yeah so there’s a lotof things that could have contributed tothis so I’m not entirely convinced it’scooked but I’m not suredoes that look cook to younothing came off on the pasta also it’sbeen cooking for 40 minutesso that’s it’s fucking greatI’m a little concerned about it whetheror not it’s cooked I’ll try it it’ssweet but it’s plain this side over hereis definitely done that’s pretty good Ithink it’s not fluffy or anything buthe’s pretty fucking good it’s actuallyreally good I wonder what it tastes likewhen you use the right ingredients andlet it rise I taste like this but lesslike a brick