BAKE WITH ME! | banana bread and negative self talk

hello friends I tried to put up a videolast week and I hated it and I’m justmade this commitment that I’m not gonnaput up any content that doesn’t feelauthentic or that they don’t love oranything that feels like I’m trying tobe a thing That’s not me that’s mycommitment to this channel so I scrappedlast week’s video sorry about it andwe’re trying this instead I have a bunchof really overripe bananas and I feelguilty throwing them out so we’re gonnabake some banana bread if you follow meon instagram you’ll know I’ve done thiscook with me bake with me once before Imade scones it didn’t go well I meanlike it went well but they weren’treally good so yeah we’re gonna bakewe’re gonna chat it’ll be a fun time andI hope that for these you know 10minutes however long this video is thatyou’ll feel good about yourself one ofthe things I’m really working on rightnow God does my brain is just been somean to me lately I’ve really beenrealizing that I just talk terriblyabout myself constantly I’m really notgood at saying nice things about myselfI tried to write 3 nice things aboutmyself on Instagram the other day and ittook me 30 minutes to come up withsomething and then I deleted the postafter like 20 minutes so I’m just veryuncomfortable with being nice to myselfso throughout the duration of this videoI am going to only say nice things aboutmyself I encourage you to do the sameI’m gonna feel really comfortable I feelstupid even saying it I feel stupid evenmaking a video about it and I feel likethat means that I need to do it evenmore so did you know I’m super awesome Ihad no idea but it turns out I’m superawesomeoh okay let’s get to had to underminemyself there okay here we go we’re gonnaget to this recipe now okay preheat theoven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit threemedium red bananas banana and large I’mfeeling so sluggish and I can feelmyself just like finding the negativefeelings all day today I just feelmentally so stupid I feel so stupid mybrain has just been telling me all daywhat a failure I am how stupid I am andhow much I suck and I’m so annoyed withit I’m so annoyed with it Ella and thenstanding you’re trying to make bananabread and be super positive and I can’tbecause they just think really don’tlike myself right now and it’s so tiredof not liking myself it’s suchit’s anyways my inner thirteenyear old girl is just coming up toscream at the nasty voice in my headthat’s what my therapist I’ve beenworking on with me every time the voicein my head says something nasty to meI’m supposed to have my innerthirteen-year-old yell at her because 13year old Daphne it was spunky as helllet me tell you thirteen year old Daphneonly wore clothes from limited to shewore mismatching knee-high socks thelimited to tank tops with the brabuilt-inyou know talking about you know the layson top those I’ll she tried to cut bangsside bangs looked horrible but we loveher anyways she was fierce and now andfiery as hell and took from nobodydon’t know where she wentokay she’s in there somewhere we’retrying to find her buddy wait anytimethat boys coming out I just sentthirteen-year-old Daphne into the boxingring might cut all of this out of thevideo cuz I feel like I look insaneanyways I’m fighting two conflictingemotions I feel like on one hand I wantto cry and on the other hand I reallywant to make this banana bread we’regonna make some banana bread and I’mgonna keep saying next thing this tomyself because I’m not gonna let thatvoice in my head that tells me I’m afailure when I am NOT a fail here itsays mashed bananas in large mixing bowlnow I’m not kidding you these are superripe so I don’t know how ripe or ripebanana you can use before it tastes badbut we’re just gonna hope that this isfine okaybowl bananas gross oh she’s mushyshe is mushy okay now I’m just gonnamatch this with a fork so next we’regonna add vanilla sugar brown sugarbaking powder cinnamon salt plant milkand then the flour vanilla we’ve got thesugars and what not baking powdervanilla all in your mouth okay now we’regonna the flour in the milkshe adds all these extra ingredientsthat I’m not putting in so I’m figuringit out for myselfguys what are we so mean to ourselvescan somebody explain this to me like Iknow I know I just order for themajority of my life when I spent yearsjust talking mad crap about myself and Iknow even before that you need disorderI have talked mad crap about myself butit just sucks so much it sucks so much[Music]to take a brief break till that Raj makelunch give you can you please get backthis kitchen back to it time to add themilk or make your water turn around[Music][Music]who is getting hot here give her a tasteI’m gonna add in some thumbs up chips[Music]all right now we’re gonna put her in thepan I’ve drifted this pan for like 50cents amazing I don’t have parchmentpaper I keep saying every time I go tothe grocery store that I mean get moreparchment paper and then I can forget itGrady’s wax paper and pray that thisdoesn’t fail I’ve actually used waxpaper before and it sticks a little bitbut ultimately it’s fine[Music]bang and she’s in helicopters going byoverheadI don’t know I feel like this quarantineis just really highlighted for me howmuch pressure I put on myself to besuccessful and productive now that we’rein a space worth the measure ofproductivity that we used to have likedoesn’t exist anymore I keep trying tohold myself to this standard thatdoesn’t exist anymore and honestly thestandard before was kind of Imean like yeah I just feel really stupidI just feel stupid and I’m tired offeeling to do and I wish I didn’t feellike a failureconstantly didn’t thought state it’shonestly so because honesty there’s apart of me that feels like all the bigdreams I have are so stupid and there’sanother part of me that feels like a notdreaming day enough and I don’t fullylet myself see just how much I’m capableofOh getting too deep here tired man I’mtired of being myself out constantly Idon’t even care about what other peoplethink about me I would just really liketo have better opinions of myself[Music]we’re working on itanyway also I work crop top throughoutthis whole video so please be proud ofme I’m doing that thing I’m just gonnakeep working on it and I’m gonna wake upevery day and keep telling myself I amamazing and that brand powerful and thatI am talented and I am worthy I willaccomplish everything I put my mind toas long as I keep showing up and I keepshowing up god damn it I’m at the pointin my life right now where I keepshowing up even though I feel stupid forshowing up then that’s where I am rightnow and hopefully in a few months I willget to the point where I feel contentand strong and confident in Who I am andI feel stupid welcome back alright checkin with you soon alright spend 50minutes now 458 we’re gonna check onthis banana bread look at her I meanlike she’s gonna cool way off before Ican try airbed and then pick a piece offthe top mmm she’s a good one maybe whenI sit down to have a slice I’ll turn mycamera on and show you my reaction butfor now I’m gonna have to let her cooloff for half an hour and I’m gonnachange out this shirt into my sweats andwho’s who’s to say if I’ll pick mycamera back up truly genuinely I feellike I blacked out in the making of thisvideo and I cannot tell it’s gonna becoherent or good at all but you knowmaybe the whole point is to stopworrying about it things will be good ornot and just let them be what they areooh getting philosophical on yourealizes hi you wanna know I know okayI’m proud of myself for showing up todaythirteen-year-old Daphne’s coming intothe ring swinging I am awesomeI am so awesome I’m making huge stepslooking at my videos from two years agoI have come so far if I take a clip ofme eating the banana bread I will insertit here I don’t know man we just foundthe whole clip of me trying it and mymemory card didn’t work so none of itssaved but basically it was a memory cardever write a beautiful videography itwas stunning we lost all of it basicallyI said it was really goodway better than my scones which tastedlike soap this tastes like chocolatechip banana scones tasted leeks ittasted like so I put too much lavenderin them so just tasted like a bar ofsoapinterestingbut this is good oops the baby alrightthat’s all I got for you today staytuned because I have more stuff comingjust gotta stop feeling so down onmyself all the time I love you all sovery muchI’m sending you all my love and I willsee you all[Music]