Bread Recipes

The PJC Cast – 55: Bake Bread Tonight

In this newly-designed episode, The Crew discuss filling your suit with doodies, lavander shark fins, steampunk technology, sweaty arrow stompers, and a real live DUEL!

Send us questions and we’ll answer them on the show!

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Original of the video here

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Video Transcription

we had a sword battle when you were gone
it was so much fun another one yeah I
lost the rest of my but ah just slice it
off like a deli ham now Jimmy’s wearing
it as a medal and a hat your real asshat
Jimmy
[Music]
our metric yeah the tiny little bruise
here and I can’t even fathom what had
caused this
oh I shoot you with bb’s in your sleep
oh is that why I wake up in pain that’s
right oh I was wondering you thought
they were fleas but no they are bee bees
hi
high-speed leaves for the makers I put a
little flea inside a bee bee Spanish
flea Oh doesn’t make you horny just
makes you anxious
choo choo oh yeah mmm
you know you just you just want to lay
back and just take it in sometimes eight
guys I’m underwater whoa I’m taking it
as much as one can close from mouth when
you go under there I can’t do that I’m
sorry I’ve thought about it but I don’t
think I could fit the whole hot tub in
my rectum
oh you take it all in you know I I’m
kind of concerned about the jacuzzi tub
water guys there’s this weird foam
forming on the top you guys notice this
yeah smells a little mildewy yeah I
thought we were making malts I mean that
actually explains it there’s Maltin
motoki yeah hot tub ball okay extra for
that good it’s good sign when your hot
dogs got a good head on it rich her head
yeah I feel more slippery than usual and
less pruney and more like skin fall off
II you know what I mean no you know
nothing less pretty more well cured yeah
I’d say it’s a curing process welcome to
the project kuzey crew folks where would
you rather podcast and we discussed
would you
Rather’s my name is Dame my name is
Brian I’m Jimmy and you may have noticed
something a little different if you’re
an iTunes listener oh yeah yeah
what’s that our faces we’re here for you
yeah we have a actual picture of what we
do every week wink-wink nudge-nudge
photographic proof proof that that we
spend very realistically one entire hour
plus time inside of a hot tub every week
every week for you guys listen to the
bubbles yeah yep um and I’d like to
before we start paying max for our
friend max worth taking though the
picture that you guys are seeing friend
Dan thanks max friend a neighbor’s came
out on this balmy ass autumn evening and
took some some snazzy photos of us so
thank you he came to us that’s what
happened that’s right balmy evening with
our balls out you can’t see below the
water but trust us there imply balls
yeah that’s right
but right now we’re listening to Kevin
and Walnut Creek and he asks would you
rather have the body of a gorilla with
your own regular head or have to wear a
gorilla suit for the rest of your life
with a gorilla mask on Oh what no
flammable clearly the Bobby the real
body
there’s only upside well there’s not
only upside there’s but there’s an only
downside a fucking gorilla suit we got
hot as hell how fast would it fill up
with your own feces go to the bathroom
guys come on well yeah you’re stuck in
that gorilla suit though it doesn’t have
a butt flap a gorilla suit why wouldn’t
I
hmm we got to make this equidistant okay
you can’t be a gorilla bodied man and be
able to function
normally as a human looked like a
fucking weird terrible person like right
with a tiny head you’re gonna die small
brains
you won’t die of sepsis being consumed
by your own feces so you can you can
defecate you can do regular things in
and I make love to my wife yes you’re
beautiful beautiful wife okay also have
a wife you just you just have to sure
you wonder what yeah you get away sure
you get away we all get waves Hey
everybody gets a couple of them let’s go
down and watch so you’re suffocating me
[Laughter]
I’ve heard that before
[Laughter]
yeah no but I’d say that the the
downside of the suit is that it’s the
only thing you can wear there’s like
hella – yeah it’s only downside no but
I’m okay I guess what I’m trying to say
is that you’re not going to die by okay
what’s the upside to the suit um you
don’t have a grotesque animal body but
gorillas is strong oh sure they are but
you’re also not of like a crazy gorilla
man I mean you but you but for all
intents and purposes you’re a crazy
gorilla man though I guess you are still
in a way especially if you didn’t if it
was the gorillas so it’s so awkward cuz
like it’s like do you want to really be
a gorilla with your own head or be a
fake gorilla without your own head
forever yeah yeah like that I know I
just reiterated the question but I
needed to do you want to just have a
life of fucking claustrophobia misery or
where you can’t cuz you can’t even
fucking you got you got put your own
hands in the gorilla hands and
everything’s gonna be terrible when you
try and touch me like effectively like
numb to the world cuz you’ve got this
like fucking envelope of gorilla
surrounding variable yeah we pretty
sweaty oh you moved to Alaska where you
I don’t Shirley well where they’re
really tolerant of weirdos they might be
no superflee not i don’t know it’s it’s
not like northern exposure up there that
is a dream it’s not like I’ll ever find
out either Alaska that’s seems like
unattainable place to be yeah me mmm
even though I like the cold or you get
to be a real gorilla man with your own
head so you’re gonna look like a weird
ostracize you could still wear clothes
that are like xxxxxx hood from the big
and tall but mostly big stores yeah so
imposable thumbs you can swing from a
tree mm-hmm can’t do that now probably
yeah uh and no one will fuck with you
lest you fucking actually rip them apart
yeah with your strong strong strong
strong body you just go to your your
programming job as a big gorilla man and
you’re like I need an extra big day they
probably make large keyboards yeah like
that has to exist for someone the world
is more able to accommodate a giant
gorilla person than a person who is
magically encased in a yellow suit cuz
like legitimately yes kif you’ll be like
oh what a strange deformity this man has
versus what the fuck Steve get out of
the suit you will never be hired here I
stopped a client for I don’t know why
you’re trying to apply at the zoo I
figured I could just entertain the
guests and I can’t do anything else in
the third Steve don’t even have a Social
Security no I said they won’t give me
one like a fucking wonder why Stephen No
all we’re in this in this suit scenario
where you like born in a gorilla
has this been your your onus to bear
your entire life what a fucking hellish
nightmare yes says body of a gorilla
with regular head or wear a gorilla suit
rest of your life Waverly asked so rest
I think you you enter the suit and you
do not leave a mask with the gorilla but
with latest and wait fur well what’s
what’s a gorilla mask made out of when
the chute inevitably fucking
deteriorates well I think it has to be
would you rather magic magic Oh taking
gorilla body human head yeah yeah
fucking fight me come at me you won’t
bro you won’t you won’t even I’m gonna
get stronger with muscles the whole
body’s muscle I need them you walk
around on your knuckles all day yeah get
that shiny silver back eventually maybe
what these days not yet old no I think
the Silverbacks just have it because
they’re the leaders there why isn’t old
[Laughter]
well yeah yes I get it I think that as a
gorilla person though it might be hard
to find love
mom wait maybe as the gorilla person
love will find you and and how would
that happen Brian well maybe you’d be
featured prominently on of them you know
that that one of those game shows is
love game shows like love line cross
love line roads or crossroads damn
babies date and ten yeah
or there’s like what’s my Jameis
$100,000 pyramid cheaters no no the
other the one pop-up video
pip my ride hey remember the 80s that
was what I was thinking oh yeah yeah the
name of this segment is lonely hard
where we have the best transitions that
are always the most elegant so smooth no
no our transmissions Lonely Hearts we
can check Lonely Hearts where we connect
people together like we connect the
different parts of our show seamlessly
um – without any brute force ever no not
at all they’re not clutched together
mine this week is entitled marijuana
among marijuana patients seeking same
all caps with the seeking same it’s just
screaming at you
yeah internet screams girl I’m seeking
same burr and yeah he’s got a little
picture of himself he’s he’s got like a
little mustache he mustache and he’s got
some some programmer glasses or shop
teacher glasses hang on you look at it
and he’s got himself a little bandana
cuz he’s bad bad boy oh my and it begins
retired professional male capital M user
seeking female capital F with similar
interests I own property and a small
cabin and want to grow lavender and
start small farm slash ranch are you
sick and tired of the valley and I heat
all caps on the heat it will be in the
80s when it’s blazing hot down there and
it’s yeah and there’s a period and an
exclamation Park a part on that sentence
come up to the mountains bullet point do
you have a green thumb and like being
outdoors no like riding ATVs fishing
gazing at the Stars which is capitalized
for some reason bars do you have a
camper or RV and know where to park it
no problem I am extremely open-minded
and laid-back no drama or baggage needed
another bullet point all caps
no oh way pretty melih that’s how you
let everyone know I am 510 weighing
about a hundred sixty pounds blue eyes
many tell me I look like a young Jack
Nicholson oh good I love picking up look
like a young Jack Black yeah no this guy
is 62 yeah oh he’s a young and I love
kicking back and watching the world go
by period exclamation mark I live in an
area code getting online is rare but
plan to get Wi-Fi soon so you could text
me at the number I’m here pudding but I
know your fucking number I will not say
I will not say that good call brand so
yeah age 62 body athletic the height 5
foot 10 blah blah so yeah if you could
see his picture you could plainly tell
body type not athletic
no no not athletic also not really much
like Jack Nicholson whatsoever well
young world his major selling point for
love is he has a place for you to park
your RV this is like hey you want to
fall in love with my property cuz this
is what I have might it’s probably nice
actually it does sound very nice I mean
like I guess a great place for like
four-wheel and art ATVs and such I mean
it sounds like a blast
like I’d go farm lavender sure yeah yeah
how much can you make on lavender Jesus
go firm laughs how much fucking weed can
you buy with that money
he’s with the bartered weed I’d say four
bushels for one 420 weed 20 of them for
220 lost a job
ah now by a high price
yeah so a little misguided I think here
doesn’t talk about himself very much
besides physical stuff and weed
apparently is really down to grow some
fucking lavender yeah wink wink
you think by lavender he actually means
we’d probably not no I think he assumes
it ladies like lavender triple L triple
threat leaves like lavender you know
what they always say Oh ll ladies love
cool Avenue is always going to do and
the Danes gonna but I was thinking Thank
You Jimmy Jimmy let’s go the title oh
shit
rocked my love right into the tub over
the hot tub and all the waters are out
there goes our nice foamy head
Mike’s mine says title I will try and
get you out of your panties no to the
point uh the first to not lose momentum
on his thread the first line is but not
while we’re visiting the museum we got a
verse a little bit so here’s a picture
like to keep calm and carry on but it’s
it’s a picture of a cat and it says keep
calm and remove your pants no it’s Jesus
Christ then he I don’t know where this
guy line all fucking class this one yeah
then he goes on white single happy
secure and stable in the ways account
financially mentally emotionally healthy
smart wise in some things in some things
still seeking on Craigslist posts sobs
drugs diseases medical problems tobacco
say it’s over sensible easy on the eyes
fit a man amongst men good neighbor good
neighbor a good friend open sweet kind
of children animals and I’d like to and
I what and I like and am nice to most
old
not that time very well employed joy
dining out live alone hiker reader music
listener healthy food consumer God heard
can you get thinker museum goer dot dot
dot and I love taking off families if
you’re well if you’re attractive if
you’re an attractive interesting woman
and available and healthy and clean and
smart and on the petite side and 20s to
early 40s Wow or so that’s a rain and
interested then write me but be
forewarned no no I will likely try to
get you out of your panties but not in
the restaurant either that’s the whole
ad the strategy to this state is to stay
in a museum or a diner
don’t go anywhere Everly you know you
know how like when blockbusters still
existed in like you’d you try and rent a
poor not that not that I would ever do
this but you know what so you get you
got sandwich that porn in between two
non pornographic movies not make it look
like you’re just such a fucking
nightmare of a human oh really so you
guys that oh yeah so you get you yeah
you’re horny housewives seven and you
put it in between like to Disney’s no
waiting for Guffman waiting for Guffman
and fucking Mulan or whatever in for
rough man oh so this is like that but in
Reverse yeah and on the internet it’s
like no we’re gonna put those pornos as
the buttons of this sandwich or no bun
the meat is wholesome I look at all I am
I am a generic human man I’m good at
being good and I am bad at being bad
I’ll be that is one thing no talent I
have I in you know Brian I’ve noticed
that you’re very good at quickly coming
up with alternate porn titles I am good
at that yeah Beauty and the Beast that’s
the one I can’t oh I found it
boot booty and the Beast yeah okay I’ll
take penis I’m not lending this
compliment to you Jim absolutely in the
breast oh yeah yeah
I don’t work
shop it how about the Fisher King the
Fisher King mr. King the Pfister King
okay
Hunt for Red October the cunt for Red
October
yes yeah that was great okay well okay
so we got panties man and we got the
lavender the lavender the marijuana
lavender combo for for combo 420 deep
purp yeah deep purple or light purple
whatever it’s lavender whatever whatever
well with these pencil for restaurants
and and museums
I feel like panty man wouldn’t really
get along with a good old country deep
purple
did you hike er you said hiker and
wanting to live where you can park an RV
for long periods of time is completely
different could he live off the land in
a clandestine lavender farm in the back
of nowhere I doubt it if you’re a petite
and 20s early 40s maybe this guy is 62
this guy’s quote-unquote athletic yeah
but he’s not petite know what I’m saying
yeah intent right he’s athletic that
wasn’t anything
that wasn’t anything that was a parity
porn title I don’t think this these guys
are gonna even see eye to eye let alone
find love
yeah that’s unfortunate
yeah I I feel like it’d be like a city
mouse country mouse but like city perv
country perv kind of a thing
titty mouse county my novel goes down
south
and found it I’m glad this is a
president medical skew everything I say
into porn title bride your I can wheels
churning trying to think if there’s
anything I could do with an American
tale it’s tricky
it’s real it was already in the title
yeah I can’t think of one alright
alright shit if you can think of a porn
parody version of an American tale send
it in we will feature it next week you
can you can email us at the pjc cast at
gmail.com or send us on Facebook yeah
legitimately legitimately it’s all of
those things look titmouse Oh even if
you have half of a porn title with
another half a porn title our next would
you rather comes from that joke of a
market place known as reddit the highest
bidder
are DMV b6 and our DM is capitalized I
don’t know maybe it means something Red
Dead versus b6 asks would you rather use
greatly outdated electronics like phone
and computer and things or have every
meal taste bland this is a very good
question no yeah good ah yeah so you got
to use big chunky cell phones you gotta
use fucking trash eighty computer yeah
laptops the big is big is dinner plates
wait no bigger than that like VCRs or
beta I do use VCRs
yeah but non-ironic I had to move VCR
tapes off of my portion of the tub today
two seconds right for this podcast is
Jane found both American table
yeah guys brought that up because I
found both of them I didn’t look at what
they were they usually remastered a or
all disney-style fucking clamshell cases
though so outdated electronics or plant
food so like how big a hipster only guys
I see a wife here goddamn 50s again
quality of life because even if we just
say the 80s which isn’t like that far
back but it’s pretty far back right you
got you got you you got your cell phone
that’s as big as a house
you got your not a laptop Commodore 6
before yeah
the code or 64 was a legit computer and
I will fucking go to my grave with that
good I had one maybe that’s what you
want
no there’s better shit now you couldn’t
email on a Commodore 64 no no could you
figure out maybe how did how to do any
event I’m not a programmer that like
you’d have barely fucking program my
universal remote program that’s a tease
there’s no TV remotes you gotta spin
through the aisles I’m thinking of like
the the option to of the bland food like
that’s like you’re in the fucking 50s
again we’re like everything’s in fucking
a spec like yeah and jelly jelly like
you got fucking jelly salad and you got
fucking like tuna jello it’s all jello
based and it’s is that bland or is it
just terrible though that’s terrible
yeah that’s actually like that’s
actually not that is beyond the scope of
this cuz I feel like I feel like you get
a steak you cook it up eat and it’s like
oh this needs a little flavor you put
some salt on it the salt does nothing
yeah that’s it’s a it’s a mouth based
curse I saw I feel like quality of life
like the bland food would be would suck
but it wouldn’t be like all your food
wouldn’t taste bad it would just taste
bland
yeah the same as bad just like a bad
foods like yeah I’m gonna spit this out
bland is bad it’s not good bland is less
it’s it’s it’s down the dial
I’m Evy dial I would put bland in the
category of unpleasant therefore
negative uh-huh I would say it is
negative but it’s not it’s not neutral
it’s not the middle it’s towards the
bottom it’s it’s like for Brian it would
be Thanksgiving food for you every day
yes yeah yeah not actually that’s a very
good comparison except like you know
even that can be kind of flavorful
no no but yeah yeah like bland is like
bland is terrible planets the worst I
think that you wouldn’t have stomach
problems anymore with bland food you
you’d probably be at an even keel if you
have like you’d get your you have mental
problems
I would eat less of food tasted less
good that’s true that’s how we ended up
in World War one and to get a lot of
fiber by eating a lot of brand with
their dinner they’re like okay yeah I
think I will go with using outdated
electronics not only because I love food
so much but also I could hop on that
hipster bandwagon and be like oh look at
how ironic I am using these these old
electronics look at how cool I am and I
just kind of spin it off like that Wow
Rick everyone else thinking you’re happy
yeah exactly but really cry myself to
sleep somebody play’s a youtube video on
their on their on their new cell phone
and you’re like am I allowed to look up
this over your shoulder I’m not really
sure try and I’m just interested any
either way people start using hologram
watches that just like display things
and like really cool three-dimensional
displays like a r2d2 on your wrist
yeah let me ask you this Jerry you’re
already decided already but what so what
so so in the year of 2017 yeah
technology is at a certain point it is
if we choose technology now and sent
back I don’t know say the eighties like
we’ve been saying does that mean in ten
more years it will just move we’re just
thirty years behind and we’re ever
moving I like that idea I think I like
that idea that it that it moves because
it doesn’t say that it has to be a
certain kind of old it just has to be
outdated so you couldn’t even probably
argue like the late 90s you’d be able to
use those kind of electronics cuz
they’re pretty outdated at this we’re
using Palm Pilots like just black maybe
maybe we’re making it the worst possible
scenario where we’ve got super computers
in our rooms that are this that use
punch cards but well they did say
obsolete though right uh nope it just
said greatly outdated electronics
outdated yeah I guess you know you can
get away with 90s I guess yeah it’s
pretty great layout day so as as as time
goes by then you’re just gonna be
greatly outdated yeah yeah plus if if I
ate bland food every day I would I would
I would start World War three I would
start for three I would challenge God
Emperor Trump and I would be like no but
at least I have this slick new iPhone 12
way go you guys bland food yeah I just
yeah like I really like having like a
good computer that can play like fucking
sexy games and like I like you know sex
again I like yeah them sexy games in a
bind them games they sell out the back
of Amazon in that beaded off section of
am
yeah he will beat it off they say eating
off they saw those on Amazon mmm it used
oh yeah like I love food and I hate
bland but like I don’t I couldn’t see
myself surviving with all the alike by
being unable to be part of the world
unfortunate be one of those dads who
refuses to get a cell phone just use
people’s cell phone around you just
listens to FM radio AM radio fucking
Kenny Loggins tapes on an old walkman
hey you’re talking about me here highway
to the dangerzone at a very slow speed
so you don’t think the bland food would
slowly make you go insane
ah like my to lose weight though bland
it’s still gonna taste like whatever
it’s gonna taste like just very bland
it’s all you’ve you heard my piece I’ve
said like yes I’m also choosing food but
oh yeah what do you think I was gonna
say I don’t know you’re like his life is
pretty dependent on computers like a job
my life livelihood is computers I’m
connected right now to a computer people
if it if the battery on this computer
dies I too will die if he like if he was
going off of obsolete techie be like
editing video with like a stapler and a
glue tape to tape if I chose obsolete
technology then we’d have to record this
on a reel-to-reel and you guys would
have to convert my audio to digital
every week yes second is well good job
yay we did it all around number 2 down
and out in Beverly Hills sports what
down it out Jimmy sports we’ve um we’ve
come to a very special time a time of
the podcast where you usually take the
helm sir
what a headgear have you said to take
the helm team like I you have literally
no idea what you’re talking about
helm like a helmet that’s my job my fuck
kill our helmet no just kidding
um that’s your favorite joke I love it
uh so this week we got one that may or
may not be a cohesive thought but here
we go anyway okay fuck kill dance dance
revelution DDR rock band to the game or
just plain old regular karaoke distance
revolution was a video game where you
had to follow moves on the screen and on
the air jump on arrows as a game
controller rather than your regular
controller and then rock band is you
play controller instruments in a similar
fashion and then karaoke is where you
sing yeah usually with lots of people
yeah yeah she’s a group thing I went
through my rock band phase I love it was
it was Guitar Hero for me but yeah I was
more of a guitar hero boy I also went
through ddr face never I didn’t I didn’t
do that
nope um when we got DDR for PlayStation
in my house it was kind of a family
activity like we’d all kind of gather
round yield hearth and play DDR that’s
really cute
yeah and yeah it’s kind of a bonding
time and they’d have the song yeah I had
to think of the song title I still
haven’t thought of it but it’s uh do a
little dance neg little Oh get down
tonight get down and I was such a
awkward prudish boy that I wouldn’t want
to say make love tonight in front of my
parents so I change it to bake bread do
a little dance bake a little bread eat
bread the night
and then eat read the name do a little
sandal make some friends
get get jiggy with it tonight get get to
happy tonight price tonight low price
love Christ love Christ love Christ low
price tonight bake a little bread
respect your parents your parents I
thought it was so weird cuz I was just
like they’re like you can sing it’s a
song about fuck your finger no but like
we’re allowed to say swears clearly but
like that extended to way more words and
you expect like the word but for
instance a but really really little was
it uh darn one of them could you not say
darn that’s nice I don’t know some
people can’t think rap I just say
whatever rude crap would have been in
there but that’s that’s that’s that’s
like bottom tier swear word I remember I
remember when there was a time when I
thought but was uncouth I thought Bart
Simpson was so stop filthy boy he said
but well like I wasn’t allowed to watch
shoes Simpsons growing up like it was
until I was 13 or 14 minute that I
started watching Simpsons because I was
not afraid of my mom going like we
shouldn’t watch that like and that was
really the only thing keeping me from
doing it but I just remember thinking
The Simpsons were scandalous not
especially that Bart Simpson oh yeah no
good no good you did grow up as a as a
religious guy word do
you religious as a young person yeah I
was like very disappointed when when my
parents made it very clear that they
would have to have had sex to have me
and I was just like I would I was like
inconsolable really was I really was we
live
you dirty people how dare you do that it
you would just you would just born a
Kate to have children religions is
really good is the problem with really
is too good makes people have good
brains is way I was I was bad at being
religious that was not good at it so
what was the woman so in a goofy movie
there’s a there’s a song where the big
the beginning song in the movie he
everyone’s like it’s a last day of
school and everyone’s fucking like
excited to be everyone’s like shit this
stupid bullshit but the bus driver has a
line where he just like he’s like I’m
gonna sit on my butt and like so I was
just like I forget how I finagled it but
I was like mom I’m just I’m just singing
the song I’m just singing the words to
the Disney movie that long mom and she
couldn’t fucking really stop me oh my
yeah um what are we talking about I was
like marry fuck kill yeah I legitimately
forgot when you asked me to yeah Bryan
keep us honest it was PDR PDR yeah yeah
like DDR rock band or actual karaoke so
like it’s just me or is karaoke like we
experiencing and some like sort of a
resurgence now because it seems like a
lot of like the hip people I know or I
go to karaoke it seems
same thing to do look extra thing to do
I
I started going to karaoke in the end of
high school that was a great place for
people to sneak alcohol into the private
rooms of like the Korean karaoke places
American karaoke as people probably know
are big like like bars will have a
karaoke night or something yeah but
there are places where you can go and
get your own private room and just
karaoke with your friends in my
experience however the problem for me
with those places is that they they they
don’t really have very much American
music right it’s mostly Asian music
right we found a place near us and and
that’s where people would go it was
pretty expensive because they’d they’d
charge by the hour like 20 bucks an hour
for the room or per person per the room
okay that’s not actually that okay well
whatever it was it was it seemed
expensive at the time um apparently a
fairly common thing is like hiring a
karaoke guy really got like his own
karaoke equipment and like has his own
catalog of songs oh you know our
listener jamie has a friend and she
actually works for him sometimes yeah
and he’s go around and does karaoke
nights and she helps and then
participate sometimes there used to be a
guy at a restaurant a Marie Callender’s
restaurant that doesn’t exist anymore
and it was like every every Thursday or
fucking whatever like he’d be there
fucking doing that all karaoke and the
forever one ended a whole restaurant
where he’d do his own kid he’d be the
only one singing no no he’d be bringing
his champagne he’d bring his rig yeah
cuz it wasn’t it wasn’t a restaurant
thing but I think they sort of sponsored
it he had a Speak & Spell I called it
karaoke
give me a word anyone give me a word
just an e word and I’ll put it in here
you there oh did you say fuck fuck you
dirty fucking Tramp um you’re all cows
in my book I see Dr ddr’s hard to be
very good at it’s hard to play it’s hard
to be my lady DRI no you just said you
told a story that you haven’t done so
yeah swung game on easy mode found it
fuckin done for it’s all over
tons of buns oh I’m like ooh hat cuz the
song over yet oh I’m only halfway
through fuckin oh my god I was always
terrible this cost a dollar what I may
be good at it but I never you know
they’re the the folks who need the arm
bars so that they can like be faster on
their feets and they hold themselves up
on either side so they can do those
thirty-second notes that’s five I like I
like the ones where it’s one person but
they’re playing on like both players
fucking pads right it’s like it’s like a
board for that yeah fucking traipse all
goddamn left the arcade level that’s
version so that’s really hard and rock
bands fun to do as a group but like by
yourself I don’t know his last fun it’s
quite less fun like it can be alright
but it’s not really its intended I used
to be pretty okay with playing guitar
hero by myself well rock band yeah but I
mean likely you could do rock band alone
yeah you could in the same way you could
do Guitar Hero alone
yeah in the same way you could do DDR
alone and karaoke with that’s why I
would marry Rob here we go here’s no
fucking totally played alone just
playing the guitar the bass yeah cuz
those the only ones I really care about
I never really jumped on the rock band
back way bandwagon but I could totally
fucking make it my own thing mm-hmm and
I could do that for the rest of my life
until I die
which as we all know is how marriage
always works and life because we’re all
gonna die one day
well yeah yeah for for sir seriously and
rom unless we reach the singularity and
we are uploaded to the mega frame anyway
uh and I would fuck karaoke because it
would just have it like you would only
have to be a one-off thing and as we are
you can establish it’s kind of the new
sexy thing and maybe I could do the new
sexy thing for once in my fucking life
um and I would I would kill DDR because
it’s like exercise its stealth exercise
and I can’t have that I can exercise
disguised as a video game it’s fun and
boo-boo to that it’s fun and boo I just
like it for that reason
yeah I can see that I would marry
karaoke because I really love it okay I
love being the center of attention I got
my songs that I do well you know I I
just I just really like karaoke in it
and I think I could do that for long
periods of time
I would fuck DDR because it’s flashy and
it’s kind of like frenetic in that way
that really kind of like desperate dirty
sex is you know where you’re just like
pumping real hard fast and just like
lights are all around and splashing and
you’re like I don’t know what’s going on
you’re taken by the moment I wish I
could do both at the same time Oh world
that would be and then I would kill rock
bands because I’m a real musician and
that’s just a facsimile a thick and all
people who play are fakes and and Liars
well yeah like Brian warlock
specifically my high scores a beg to
differ I got goose toes
excuse me a good three gold stars you
don’t even tell you can get gold stars
but then you do and you’re like what the
fuck
anyways I’d marry rock band cuz I’m a
fake in it fake and a liar as much as I
do very much enjoy karaoke as a group
activity that’s so many good times the
rock band and so many more after the
wedding you’re gonna have sex with it
yeah and then I’m gonna I’m gonna fuck
DDR cuz it’s hard oh it’s over fast and
I get sweaty while I’m doing it oh there
you go and I love them all I have to
kill a karaoke though Oh
singer man I know but I guess you could
sing on Roxanne koban but it’s a
different experience I can sing for
three other people friends and neighbors
are our buddy Jimmy here is it has got a
pretty good voice on it he does yes
no shit so I am NOT gonna share it with
you subscribe to our patreon maybe
you’ll get a little ditty from Jimmy if
people want it
Jimmy’s yeah at the $40 tier funds you
really gotta pay for it yeah you’re
gonna pay for it really disappointed
because he’s pretty good but I don’t
know if he’s $40 a month good you know
well I just go so far as fifty dollars
my god
if patrons want me to sing fuckin join
patreon and I’ll sing for you sing you a
fuckin romantic romantic the $40 tier is
Jimmy sings for you the $50 tier is
Brian will not sing to never subject you
do that and he just says it over and
over I will never sing I won’t i Brian
warlock will never sing ever for you
once a month I will send you like a
video like a video message this is Brian
warlock giving you his like his
guarantee
swear oaths dead serious cuts his finger
and signs on the dotted line I will not
say I will take my glasses off before
beginning to speak so you will know I am
serious I know the very move all right
gents our last would you rather comes to
us from Stephanie ed in Berkeley Thank
You Stephanie as always step would you
rather fight a duel with pistols or
swords how about you Oh God
ten paces very very regal like what
honorable thing do you want to do yeah
she deals an honor yeah I want to cheat
I’ll be Indiana Jones in I want to have
a pistol and I want you to yeah and I
will have the flu and you’ll be an actor
like a swordfight sexier sword fights
are pretty like when they’re done nice
they’re pretty cool gun fight somebody’s
gonna die instantly well or you’re gonna
miss a lot miss a lot pull up pull a
Clint Eastwood and put like a plate of
iron underneath your clothing is that
cheating no that’s cheating but it never
says do it honorable Knight armor just
plate metal he just bang bang bang in a
pistol duel are you supposed to keep
shooting each other and till one of you
hits the other or no just do a couple of
volleys and be like well shit happens
umm I think and this is us talking out
of butts again but I think that there is
like for the old musket ii pistols you
know what I’m talking about yeah yeah
there’s you you’re valets got like two
pistols loaded yeah no I think you’re
right yeah I’m just one more
like is there a certain number of shots
and then you call it a draw or do you
hate that she I think any idea is that
one of you just shoots the other one
first
well if you miss but all of what if like
if you those pistols were terribly
inaccurate though so missing was a real
chance
I don’t know that never happened in the
films what I bet would happen is you
like bang I missed okay
bang oh I missed again and then you just
run at him with epistles beatin him in
the head with your pistol well in the
Victorian II days when like that pistol
dueling thing was kind of hip it was
like it was a single shot yeah you just
had the one shot I feel like you’re more
likely to die in a pistol duel then uh
cuz you get I mean unless you get run
through with a sword yeah like you’re
not gonna get an arm chopped off right
well it depends on the sort of like
they’re a couple different swords you
could use in a sword duel even like you
know the rapier
they’re like foils or rapier sabers the
EPI whoa yeah well fucking heavy it can
be they never never Express how fucking
heavy a sword is well they’re I mean
they’re not err all strong they’re not
all they don’t they don’t have to be
that heavy
um they’re not like kill it Dean oh
that’s a sword they’re not like a
feather duster you know they’re the ones
not very there are a couple pounds I
they’re gonna fight I’ve held a sword
before man right cause I’m holding a
sword now for listeners at home oh I’m
not doing that you wanna stand up Oh
Brian yes and isn’t any of just being
picked up by the mic slowly easier time
to me I’m struggling wait is battle but
you’re not hearing folks at home are all
the times where we were missed
and eating each other in our eyes and
mucous membranes like this is really
hazards this is really hazardous and
we’re really getting hurt right now I
have lost my rectum
I’ve lost my backup rectum you carved it
right out of my tear ducts both on the
ground okay enough enough enough I’m
calling okay we’re taking photos podcast
photos now States take a fun one let’s
take a fucking silly one with our swords
okay okay I got some good silly fun once
oh my god see how tired are you oh my
god so tired so frivolous so and that
was fake fighting was it yes I Brian
doesn’t have a rectum and I lost at
least part of my spine yeah kids at home
don’t sort fight serious bidness now if
I had a couple of pistols here then we
try that out and shucks no pistols what
a shame weight gain yeah I forgot to
tell you oh no I’ve got two pistols no
for a different reason
here they are what were them handing
them to you when always the reason
though before we fight it out I wanted
to do two murders okay all right so we
walk together we meet each other in the
middle right thank you for the pistol
here you are all right and then we turn
around Brian no it’s you and me I Brian
yeah I’m the guns all right Brian’s my
second your second can be the guys date
any ammunition oh don’t tell what that
Jimmy nothing what do you say
I’m telling Brian it it was aqua cat
saying meow
yeah all right so we walk
ten paces ready one two we’re not
counting Hey oh I missed you I must have
missed you bang there goes my other part
of the spine I shot clear through you
some out no sessions 13 and 14 of your
spine are gone there goes they might be
giants the spine pick it up in the
record store near you pick it up pick it
up this week’s episode sponsored by Sam
Goody I think I would based on what we
just did here today I think I’d go with
sword fighting cuz it’s more exciting
and sexy yeah I mean I was like huge
I was hugely into the movie Highlander
as a teenager so I think I’d have to
guess or kneeling – yeah because there
can be which outfit would you wear from
the film trenchcoat acid-washed jeans
and white kicks yeah cuz like that was
like the look I prize din high school
hmm
yeah trench coat oh yeah acid wash jeans
yes so good I do that leather numb that
red leather number that uh oh yeah yeah
that’s a sexy get that get school get up
I’ve never seen the film but I’ve seen
him in that and you would look so hot in
the clubs in that Thanks so hot that’s
right moon said well I’m singing my
karaoke yeah singing my wife um Jimmy go
so as much as I would like to pick
swords I think I have to go with guns
and I’ll tell you why we’ve all said it
now a so anyone ever wasn’t sort of
knows how Don works if he never shot a
gun which I haven’t in real life except
for many murders that don’t count as not
a real gun before I haven’t really yeah
why is that surprising
I don’t know around the country yeah
that’s kind of why I have shot a gun but
the country is made a hundred percent
out of bullets a good half of
family-owned guns right like my uncle
took me out when I was 14 to the desert
he took you out me too yeah that was the
first time I drove a car I drove a jeep
into a cliff not far but I like kind of
rammed it into a playful Oh sidered
that’s probably the better way to go no
exactly yeah yeah more survivable and
the doodoo is teaching me to drive us
built his beer of course he did I think
that story that I told everyone because
I was excited about it meant that I
didn’t get to go to the desert anymore
after that but I got to shoot again then
fine no it was at some cans anyway you’d
pick so I picked guns yeah I would like
to pick swords because anyone can sort
of like pick up and fire a gun yeah
like in a general sense like they know
how guns work yeah swords are different
you have to learn to fight with a sword
now for for both of you
big tall strong boys you’re gonna have
if I was to stork fight one of you I’m
in a clear disadvantage right I am
smaller and swords are heavier then I
can handle I guess some fight with
daggers but that seems awful it seems so
bad it’s not a sword fight either it’s
cheating words and they have to go the
guns just because I think it gives me
better odds uh-huh hey survivability
that’s a real thing Jimmy yeah John Colt
made the made all men equal also easier
to cheat at a gun duel I take two paces
and shoot you in the back
that’s our butcher dead
that’s our butcher I got a rep but I’m
alive and I wanna do me cuz I’ll win
alright guys well that’s us in a
nutshell in it right there
duck in this nutshell how do i how do I
get out of this what a crazy crazy nuts
you happy with that’s to you you really
you really putting your all into that
I’m a squirrel
so everyone if you got any would you
rather for us out there in internet land
send them on over even if you don’t have
a full one if you’ve got an inkling if
you have but of a premonition of a would
you rather I give them on over and we’ll
make them into something else well will
fit them together like two LEGO pieces
also in sense also if you have any nuts
send them on over
yeah we like pjc cash if you only have
half a nuts will make it over into
peanut butter or almond butter or cashew
butter or not letters me a butter yeah
it’s always butters cuz it’s got bud in
it and you know it’s good and it’s it’s
devilish the word but likes s is that
which is why women weren’t allowed to
have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
until at least nineteen seventy L they
took off their chastity belts send us
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cast check out our patreon also oh yeah
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the p JC cast there you yes and i had
something else but i can’t remember it
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oh my last one was give us a five-star
review on itunes and review that would
really help us out tell your friends
tell your friends friends pick your
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it’s not love love picking noses from
dr. Brian where club certified so
everyone my name is Dane my name is
Brian Jenny and have a good night and
get home Satan try if you car the Dean
Sean I shop cans I said cam you’re gonna
poop do it in a toilet I not a Danes car
I need a tourniquet I’m bleeding quite a
lot you know tourniquet right big fat
mouth oh gosh you’re right cuz my mouth
is bleeding you’re making a lot you’re
making with a lot of that yap yeah you
you put a sword through my gums
right to you spine what an angle then my
spine came out oh this is gone ache in
the morning achy breaky spine ha ha
don’t break my back my Achy Breaky back
with a sword there’s at least one
listener the only one only single one
Highlander sorry Spencer nothin don’t
worry about it Spencer we’re princes of
the universe
[Music]
Spencer’s favorite board game is mage
night that’s true everyone knows that
now Spencer everyone out in podcast land
[Music]
tell what did you do today Danes laundry
yeah
I like laundry I enjoy it yeah you’ve
said that before and I hate it so much I
find very relaxing gener well generally
like there are there’s better and worse
laundry’s to do I find that about
washing dishes I’d see I could wash
dishes all day I I used to enjoy it now
I don’t huh yeah I like my kitchen it’s
kind of cramped now it’s true not great
for dishes and you’ve got like a laundry
sink instead of an actual kitchen sink I
feel like why what was that was that a
word puzzle no what’s a laundry sink I
think well there are sinks and laundries
that are like different than kitchen
sinks like I don’t think Brian’s
apartment I think Brian’s apartment used
to be the laundry room that’s what I’m
trying to say ah but my apartment
building has a separate launcher yeah so
yes sir and a bathroom it’s not bad
they’re gonna be bathroom in the laundry
room
we’re not or kitchen in the laundry room
any talk about like they put a kitchen
in I I think that this is a radical
concept and a bully bully for you
thank you I think it’s wrong I don’t
think I usually put laundry rooms like
front facing yeah with windows and yeah
like my room my apartments at the front
of the place you guys are you guys are
saying I’m wrong I think so because like
the actual laundry room of my apartment
building is in the back which is like
where normally is yeah does it look like
in the laundry room also I’m not like an
apartment look it looks real shitty as
shit as big as a studio apartment the
laundry room yeah probably not right no
it’s smaller much smaller yeah and like
there’s a water heater in there and
everything mm-hmm all right and it’s
you’re starting to convince me then I’m
just gonna keep going with my with my
headcanon about your apartment actually
being a laundry room night I think your
apartment used to be used to make
bootleg rum wait I think your apartment
was a brothel I think laundry brothel I
think your apartment was a mob doctors
first I think you pulling out Boylston
the potato knife sawing off syphilis you
know good old Sabo that right that right
there that’s syphilis that’s gotta go
but we’re hand me myself I’m gonna cut
that right off here drink this booze
that’ll kill the pain out leg man I
gotta here my boot which is at the end
of my leg
our whores are the cleanest in the West
because laundry ha ha ha ha
laundry room and one day this office
will be a laundry room you want to get
dirty in here well you can’t it’s a
place of clean I did live in an
apartment once and I say that like
charitably lived it was an apartment
both and like when I was doing the tour
of the place that the landlady told me
like it is sort of like you know sort of
like insider he kind of like scandals
whisper like this this this apartment
was originally like a storage room a
doctor a wealthy doctor actually had
this room made up into a like a little
apartment so we would have a place to
bring his mistress when he was fucking
her behind his wife’s back she didn’t
use the f-word
that’s my addition quick but this was
her
this was her introducing me to this
apartment this was her kind of like
tucking it up and making it sound sexy
um was that this was like this was a
shitty like converted storage area that
a doctor had doctored up for it to have
a place to to fuck his mistress on slime
speaking of laundry rooms that were
turned into like brothels and surgery
dens so the ghosts in there must have
been pretty scandalous naked even naked
mistress ghosts it was a pretty sexy /
spooky apartment and just kidding it was
mainly terrible especially all of the
ants that would come in whenever winter
rolled around two cubic meters of ants
had a wall of ants just ants
this retaining wall is made of primarily
hands but with drywall but then
uncovered that dance their load-bearing
ants just spray them down with some
sugar water every now and then they’ll
be fine they’ll go into alright frenzied
load-bearing hands no we can’t get rid
of the ant problem here they’re keeping
this whole place together it’s a problem
with no solution
these are osha-approved dates and oh
shit we can get away with not giving
them breaks compare animals their
osha-approved in oh shit do they like
dudes meat bodies they just love eating
up on dude flesh not ladies though nope
get those disgusting ladies out of here
mmm says the ants you dissing I went
strip the flesh from your bones you
filthy lady nope
no good you ain’t haven’t even been in
the washing machine that is Brian’s
partner you done yeah there weren’t a
lot of ladies in that apartment there
weren’t a lot no let’s let’s think of
other places Brian is lived so a washing
machine he slipped inside a washing
machine a shower living room yeah yeah
that’s the same place Oh dr. mistress
plays Brian Brian lived in the back of a
bakery once where he was woken up at
4:00 a.m. every day by Baker’s making
pies and biscuits what a way to wake up
I’m jealous of your early mornings I I
had forgotten that was part of my cannon
Brian Brian lived in the Attic of a
witch’s house once where noxious fumes
from the potions would get all up in his
nosey he’d he’d go to work and fucking
have half a spell cast on him yeah
that’s like he’d have like it’s one tiny
hand and trying fucking it’s the worst
one it’s a half farm spell more awkward
yeah to fully-formed curse you can kind
of work around yeah remember that time
Brian Brian lived underneath the pirates
the the ship it was hard to sleep
without drowning
remember when Brian lived in a hot-air
balloon on top of the building yeah and
people would be like this is our
honeymoon and you’re like this is my oh
I do remember that yeah hi Brian lived
in the castle dungeons too and the Beast
like wouldn’t let him go until he fell
in love with you you can call that
living
and then the candlestick was like oh
shut up you stereotype the nice place
about living there was the utilities
were included right off street parking
yeah wireless internet oh man all right
ankles I could handle what’s that
fucking candle Jesus
Remy did you eat my fucking crew of rice
krispies no no I would not do that
really really really cause I could see I
noticed that your bowls got some rice
krispies and bomb of it no got a quarter
left and I haven’t had any there’s a
quarter left in the bin the Box I
haven’t any listen I am so hungry
the master has not fed us in 20 years
sounds like not my problem Remy oh these
wax does not grow it’s a lead
I’m not really sure how my hands work
this is some sort of we just curse at
least I do not have one small candle
hand what live above a wish the way to
nothing wait when will I die
please Brian tell me these things I need
to know
so he clearly dripped wax in that
fucking movie Lady Luck he did yeah yeah
oh let us let us try and rationalize
every Disney movie okay spells Tron
stopped us right fucking there Brian
it’s part of Disney Canon broth it is it
sits in on its it’s great it won’t
attract Willy seen it
Tron one is great and I’ve really loved
trials really good

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